The second episode of the Freeman's Mind series.
Gordon Freeman travels through the halls of Black Mesa and readies for his department's experiment by getting armored up with the HEV suit.
[The camera opens with Freeman readying to enter the Black Mesa facility.]
Freeman: Okay, act calm, act calm. If I don't act calm, they're gonna know something's up when I walk in there.
[The entrance blast door begins to open.]
Freeman: Okay, easy, control your breathing. Breathe normally, breathe normally. That'll make you calm.
[The door opens to reveal a lobby full of security guards and fellow scientists.]
Freeman: Oh god, they can see me now. Okay, keep against the wall and try to walk past the front desk. Don't make eye contact, just walk, walk!
Guard: Hey, mister Freeman!
[The guard, sitting at the main desk, is at a computer.]
Guard: I had a bunch of messages for you, but we had a system crash about 20 minutes ago and I'm still trying to find my files. One of those days, I guess.
Freeman: Oh, so close!
Guard: They were having some problems down in the test chamber too but I think that's all straightend out. They told me to tell you to head down there as soon as you got in your hazard suit.
Freeman: Really? Maybe I'm not fired. In that case...
[Freeman walks behind the desk and looms over the guard's computer.]
Freeman: Let me show you how much of a genius I am and look at your computer.
Scientist: Someone's hidden my glasses again.
Freeman: [to scientist] Uh, yeah. [to guard] Let's see...wait a minute. This is a Windows blue screen. And you're typing on it like you know what you're doing. You're not doing anything.
Scientist: Let me help you!
Freeman: [to scientist] Shut up. [to guard] You're just lookin' busy. That's your whole job, isn't it? Looking busy? Look, you have to reboot it. Where's the reboot button? Is this it?
[Freeman pressed a random button, causing an alarm and red emergency lights to go off.]
Scientist: My god, what are you doing?!
Freeman: Well that's not it....
[The guard, very annoyed, quickly types in something on his computer to make the lights and alarm go off.]
Guard: C'mon, Gordon! You trying to get me into trouble?
Freeman: Okay, you can all go to hell if you're gonna act like that. See if I ever do anything nice for you again.
[Freeman starts heading out into a hall.]
Freeman: Because I won't.
Scientist: As I expected...
Freeman: [jerks around] What was that?! You trying to say something about me?! [begins to walk down the hall again] Man, I'll kill you. Pricks. Boy, they got some lip up in here, I'll say that much. Makes me wonder what else they're saying behind my back. Well, it doesn't matter. I could take on any of them.
Freeman: 'Sup, fool? Man, someday I'm gonna own this place.
[Sees a scientist and the G-Man talking in an enclosed room.]
Freeman: Whup. There's management. Lemme guess what they're talking about. [in a funny accent] "You sir are mad! Dinosaurs are reptiles, they must be cold blooded! [gruff voice] Now you listen and you listen good. Birds are one of the closet living relatives to dinosaurs, and I don't need to tell you that they're all warm blooded. [accent] Do you know how difficult it is to maintain demostatis for an animal so large? They're cold blooded, I tell you! [gruff] Lemme tell you something. ____ suggested that velociraptors had feathers. Feathers! Now what does that tell you?" [normal voice] All right, this is stupid. I may as well go to work.
[Freeman continues down the halls of Black Mesa.]
Freeman: I'm glad I'm not fired. That means I don't have to loot the place. Stealing from work is so much more stressful than not stealing from work. There's just no comparison.
[Sees a guard blocking a door.]
Freeman: Move it, blue stuff.
Guard: You got the wrong airlock, mister Freeman. You know I can't let you through here.
Freeman: Uh...I knew that!
[begins walking towards the correct airlock.]
Freeman: This is kinda awkward. Did I really go the wrong way?
[Sees a sign reading SECTOR B.]
Freeman: Yup. There it is. Sector B. Man, I am tripping this morning.
[Looks in a room of scientists writing very simple equations on a dry-erase board.]
Freeman: Wait a second...did I see what I think I did?
[Goes into the room and and see's Issac Newton's formula for gravitational force.]
Freeman: Yup. I sure did. Newton's formula for gravity for gravitational force. Having trouble remembering that one, guys? What is this, are we back in high school now? My department is working on quantum displacement. Just what the hell are you guys doing? Jerking around in lab-coats from the looks of things.
[heads out of the room.]
Freeman: I just can't believe it. Those monkeys in there are having trouble on learning about gravity, whereas I can recite the quantum chromodynamic gauge invariant lagrangian in my sleep. There is no justice.....am I hearing things?
[walks into a computer room full of scientist and extremely loud rave music.]
Freeman: TURN DOWN THE MUSIC, YOU FRIGGIN' BASE HEADS! It sounds like a strip-club in here! God damn! Just get some dancing girls in cages, why don't you? Good lord!
Freeman: Man, programmers. Who knows what they're doing in there? They're gonna go deaf before the end of the year at that rate. Next time I have to go in there, I'll bring some ear protection.
Scientist: Ah, it's good to see you.
Freeman: What? Is he talking to me? He's not even looking this way. I could've sworn I heard something. Ugh, I'm losing my mind. Well, at least it sounded friendly, unlike that prick back at the lobby.
[walks into the break-room with a scientist drinking coffee and another screwing around with a vending machine. Freeman spots a bowl of noodles in the microwave.]
Freeman: This place is dead. Ooh, I see a bowl of noodles with my name on it. Okay, I can do this. The guy of the left isn't looking, but the guy on the right is a rogue element. Uuuuh, uh oh, he's walking towards me! Stay cool, stay cool.
[The scientist passes Freeman and stands near the microwave.]
Freeman: Aw man, this guy's a pro. I can't compete with this. I shouldn't have hesitated. I had it! Oh well. Guess I'll have to have something else for breakfast. Like some oxycodone.
[goes into the locker room.]
Freeman: I think it's time to go visit my locker. Get some happy pills and make the politics here just float away.
Scientist: Why do we all have to wear these ridiculous ties?
Freeman: Oh, you wanna know why? I'll tell you why. It's symbolic. The manager wants you to know you're their dog, so you're wearing their leash. You don't see me wearing a tie, do you? You wanna know why? Because I'm a rebel. The day they tried to enforce the dress code on me, I let them know there could be an accident around here if that happened. And by accident, I mean bomb the place. Hey, are you even listening? Forget you. My voice falls on dead ears. I don't know why I even waste my time on you sheep. I wonder if Feynman felt the same way.
[Freeman opens his locker, revealing some framed certificates, a picture of a baby, and a blue jacket.]
Freeman: What the hell? Who's stuff is this? There's my name, but...but here's a bowling certificate? Baby pictures? Blue poncho? Where's all my stuff?! Where's my stash? This is freakin' me out. It's like every thing's backwards. And I'm not even left handed. Okay, I'm just gonna go to work and hope all of these problems go away.
[Freeman walks into a room with three huge glass containers, one having a HEV suit placed in it, and three matching control boxes. Freeman activates one of the control boxes, causing the containers the open and reveal the HEV suit, which is missing a helmet.]
Freeman: Yeah. Oh come on! Now somebody's taken my helmet. Ah screw it, I probably won't need it anyway.
[Freeman dons the HEV armor and the automated computer voice in the suit begins speaking to him.]
HEV computer: Welcome to the HEV Mark IV-
Freeman: Oh my god, there's that voice. [the annoying voice continues talking non-stop.] SHH! Be quiet! Wow, this suit does not shut up! Okay, this thing's ridiculous, where's the off button?
[Freeman turns the computer voice off.]
Freeman: There we go. Hm, didn't it say "munitions level monitoring"? Does the left hand turn into a chain gun? I wish.
Guard: Come right on through, sir. Looks like you're in the barrel today.
[The guard opens a door for Freeman via a retinal scanner.]
Freeman: Whup! Did he just say I'm in the barrel today? Oooh, shit! Looks like I'm not the only person here who knows some dirty jokes. "You're in the barrel". I can't believe he said that. I bet he says that to the other scientists and it goes right over their heads. He probably thinks I don't know what it means either. But I do.
[The camera fades to black as Freeman makes his way to the testing chamber.]
- In the original Half-Life, Gordon starts off donning the regular scientist outfit of a white labcoat over a red tie, blue dress shirt, and khakis. However, this version of Gordon states he doesn't follow the dress-code just to be a rebel.
- The episodes ends with a guard telling Freeman a dirty joke, saying he's "in the barrel". This references a famous joke where a sailor stuck on a ship with his peers pleasures himself by having intercourse with a barrel and ejaculating into its hole for several weeks before being informed it's his turn "in the barrel" by the captain.
- Despite turning the HEV suit's computer voice off, it returns in Episode 10.5. However, this episode is a dream.