Freemen: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

[alarms sound]

Freemen: Huh? Heh? Ah-hah? Ah-hah-hah!. Ah! I'm not in Crazy Land anymore! Oh, man!

That was stranger than when I was awake for four days straight and thought my house was being invaded by frog people.

And the door's open now! Man, I'm on a roll! Murphy's Law can suck it! Oh, hell. Is that guy dead? Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a... normal doctor. I wonder if he was trying to open the door for me. I'd feel like an asshole then. Wait, what am I saying?

They're the ones that locked me in this tomb to begin with! If they're not dead all ready, they're on the list!

[lock buzzes]

Freemen: Hah, yeah, very funny. C'mon door, open up.

[lock buzzes]

Freemen: I already made it passed those thick-ass blast doors--which that guy died for--

only to be stopped by this useless second door. This is bullshit! I am Captain Gordon Freeman of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes ordering you to open! Yes! no! Shit! Uh... Don't kill me! Oh, good. Somebody who knows CPR. I hate to say it, but I don't think I could bring myself to do mouth-to-mouth on the people here. Dammit, all the babes are in the Biology Department. I'd LEARN how to do CPR on them. That is, unless they really were dead. God, that would be such a turn-off. Don't step in the blood... Man, you can just smell the money burning in this place. Just goes to show that--


Freemen:  GOD! JEEZ! GOD! HATE COMPUTERS! WHY DO THEY ALWAYS BLOW UP WHEN I USE THEM?! Boned. Man, this place got romped!

Man, this place got romped! I guess I'll start looting after all. Hm, I'll get out of here first and then come back here with a wheelbarrow so I can really do this right. Oh no, not this again. Okay, this time I have to turn WITH the elevator. All right, focus. Mehninmehninmehninmehninmehninmehninmehnin mehninmehninmehninmehninmehninmehninmehnin...

Oh, jeez, this doesn't feel good. I don't think it worked. [hic] Why is everything in circles? Atoms... planets... yeah.

Huh-hey! Boy, we really fucked up this time, huh?

SCIENTIST #1: Why didn't they listen?

SCIENTIST #2: We TRIED to warn them.

SCIENTIST #2: I never thought I'd see a resonance cascade,

SCIENTIST #1: let alone create one.

Freemen: Sucks.

SCIENTIST #2: Gordon! You're alive!

SCIENTIST #2: Thank GOD for that hazard suit!

Freemen: You like it?

SCIENTIST #2: I'm afraid to move him and all our phones are out.

SCIENTIST #2: Please, get to the surface as soon as you can.

SCIENTIST #2: and let someone know we're stranded down here.

SCIENTIST #2: You'll need me to activate the retinal scanners.

SCIENTIST #2: I'm sure the rest of the Science Team will gladly help you.

Freemen: See, that's what I like to hear: how can you help me?

If everyone here had your attitude, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

[teleportation sounds]

Freemen: Oh my God! What is that? Holy crap, that's an alien! I wasn't imagining it. Do they see this? HEY, I TOLD YOU ALL I'M NOT CRAZY! THE PROOF'S RIGHT HERE! Wow, it looks like one of those facehuggers from the movie "Aliens". 

[headcrab squeals]

Wah! Don't kill me! I realize you're trying to propagate your species, but I'm just down with the whole laying-eggs-in-my-chest-cavity thing. Jeez, that's a lot of blood.

[door thumps]

Freemen: Oh, a locked door.

We're playing this game again, are we? Fine! Ugh... step in the blood... there.

PA: Access denied.

Freemen: WHAT?! YOU DARE DEFY MY ORDERS?! THIS IS TREASON! I'LL HAVE YOU--hey, wait a minute, I think that scientist said he could open it. I'll ask him. Don't let it smell your fear. Hey, you guys have the same tie.

SCIENTIST #2: A failure of this magnitude is extremely improbable.

Freemen: Well, that's why we have insurance. Hey, come with me for a second.

SCIENTIST #2: Fine. You won't even know I'm here.

Freemen: All right. Oh, and don't mind the vicious aliens. Or the dead guy.  Or the tunnel of blood. Yeah, just start that peep show so we can get things rolling. This next door better not be locked. 


Freemen: WHOW!  Okay, the green beams of death. I thought we were passed this already.  Getting a little old.


Freemen: Hey, why don't you go first? C'mon, age before beauty. Fine! I'll lead. This right here is why you're never get promoted. Okay, here we go. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! And he's safe! Is that guy not even coming? What a hoser.

When I'm in charge, I'll make sure he stays at the bottom of the corporate ladder. Actually, I'm not sure I even want this place

[teleportation sounds]

Freemen: anymore now that I--  Oh God, one of them's loose Uh... can't turn back. Okay, I can do this.

[Spanish accent] I am a matador! [Spanish accent] I fearlessly--

[headcrab bite]

Freemen: AH GOD! JESUS! SHIT! FUCK! Piss! God... Those things BITE! Dammit! I'm starting to feel pretty naked here without a weapon. This is such a slap to the face. I've been meaning to take kung fu lessons for years now because I knew there would be a day, like today, and I would be ready, but I kept putting it off, and here I am, totally unprepared, and not knowing kung fu.

Procrastination has failed me yet again. Wait, this is it. This is my chance for redemption. It's like my entire life has leading up to this single moment.  Today, all my limbo practice pays off! [humming limbo song] Oh! Cleared it! I am the limbo master. Isn't that right, dead guy? The bonus round! Okay, I need to study the pattern. Hey, is it getting warmer? YAH! WOW! I almost got a free haircut and lobotomy! Damn! Hey, I can't limbo this; it goes through the floor! That's cheating! Look at this thing! It's an Etch-a-Sketch from Hell! Okay, I'm just going to have to wing it. [hums Mission: Impossible theme] Hey, is that a crowbar? Oh my God. This is friggin' perfect. Now I can beat the SNOT out of people! Oh boy, I can't wait to get back to the lobby. They'll be like, "Freeman! We thought you were dead!" I'll be like, "You thought wrong! Pow!" Okay, time to bring on the pain. 

[lock buzzes]

Freemen: Oh-ho! Another locked door! I don't think so! I've got a crowbar! Eat this! Hey, I can just crawl through here. I am a genius. God, I love this thing! I just want to beat stuff up now. Actually, that's all I wanted to do anyway but now it's so easy. Wickapah! "Do not use elevators." 

[explosion, scientists sceaming]

Freemen: Oh shit, they weren't kidding!


Freemen: Aw jeez, what do I do? The door won't open... rrrrr! Oh, what should I do? I guess, uh... SORRY! DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL YOU! Oh, man... I hope at least they were jerks...