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Freemen: Well, that's it. I've gone and killed two guys. All my life, I've wanted to kill people just by pressing a button. And now that I've done it, it's... just... not what I was hoping for. How am I going to get out of here now? Oh, sweet, a service ladder. Seems like stairs would've made more sense but that's not my problem, for I am the climbing master. Hey, that's the problem I didn't KNOW I was killing anybody; it was manslaughter. I should've--whoa-ho-ho! Better not look down. "Manslaughter" sounds worse than "murder", like I'm a butcher in some evil meat shop and ground up a bunch of people to--


[gunshots, zombie squealing] 


Freemen: Uh-oh! Gunshots! Somebody's going postal.


[gunshots, zombie squealing]


Freemen: I knew this would happen. Wait, that's not... what is that? Maybe I should be more like this guy. If he doesn't know what something is, he just shoots it dead


GUARD: Gordon! Man am I glad to see you! What the hell are these things?


GUARD: And why are they GUARD: wearing Science Team uniforms? Whoa! Quick draw!


Freemen: YEAH! SHOOT IT! HELL YEAH! That was bad ass. I can see why you took this job. Still, what is going on?! Is this guy contagious? I'm getting out of here. I hope I'm not infected. I'll never get a date if I end up looking like those guys. Oh boy! Another body. Y'know, normally following a trail of bodies covered in blood is a sign you're going the WRONG way.

[singing] Follow the dead body road. [singing] Follow the dead body road. [singing] Follow, fol-- Damn! Look at all that blood. That must be a few hundred dollars' worth if you were to donate all that. I wonder if the organs are still good. I could make a fortune selling them from all these dead guys. I guess I could still sell the cadavers if I could move them before the cops arrive. Nah, they'd probably just try to arrest me again. Oh no! It's the ghosts of those two guys coming back to haunt me!Oh, wait. They're just monsters. Uh...what do I do? Oh, I know. I'll stand still. They'll pass by me because they don't have any eyes. AAAH! Dammit! How did they see me? That is so unfair! They don't have any eyes! This place bites. I'm going to find another job. Oh good! More blood! I was starting to get worried! God, what happened? This guy looks like he got hit by a steamroller.


[explosion] 


Freemen: Gah! Why did THAT blow up? Did we wire this place to self-destruct or something? I guess we don't have enough dead people here yet. I've got to get out of here. 


[panel buzzes]


Freemen: Oh, you've gotta be shitting me... I'm going to sue the HELL out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory did; locked its workers in, then there was a fire then everybody died. That's a formula for success! DAMMIT!Wow, we're making history right now! Wow, we're making history right now!

CRAP HISTORY!


[explosion] 


Freemen: RRRRR! What? Ha-hah! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is! Yep! That's how I say "Open sesame" with a crowbar to the face! Aw man, the tram's gone. You're waiting for it too, huh? Hey, you sure this catwalk's safe? Hey, why is the guard dead? You kill him?


[metal groaning]


Freemen: I want some answers!


[metal groaning] 


Freemen: Uh-oh.


SCIENTIST: No! Stay back!


SCIENTIST: GORDON!


Freemen: Oh jeez. Okay, give me your hand!


[scientist screams] 


Freemen: No, your OTHER hand, you idiot!


[distant splat]


Freemen: Ah, you suck! Now you're dead and I STILL can't get out of here! Thanks for nothing! Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me. I was in the chamber at friggin' Ground Zero and I'm still here!

I mean, look at me. Yet, you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh, Darwin was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings I guess I may as well check that opening out. I'll go around so I don't have to walk in the blood. hough, honestly, at the rate I'm going, I'll be knee deep in it


[techno music]


Freemen: before I get out of here. At least they turned the volume down. Oh, crap! Another facehugger.


[techno music plays, explosion]


Freemen: Ha ha ha! Oh, that's just great. My enemy is the enemy of my other enemy. I wouldn't hate computers so much   if they did more useful things like that. I wonder if the guys in here died from the aliens [techno music plays, explosions] or just raved themselves to death.


[techno music plays, explosions]


Freemen: Okay, place is blowing up, time to leave. Escape from techno hell! Hey, one of the guys is fighting the facehugger! C'mon, hit it! Aww... Those things really ARE facehuggers! I hope they don't bleed acid, too. I'm glad I watched the movie. Okay, twitching dead guy and a strobe light. That's not creepy at all. I'm... just... gonna... go...  ...yeah...


[gunshots]


Freemen: Hey-hey. Gunshots Where there's a gun, there's fun. Or not. Uh-oh. Uh, you need some help? Guess not, huh?  Well... Whoa-ho-ho-ho, what's this? Your death was not in vain, pal. I'll shoot everyone in this building if I have to. Welp, time to play God. Let's see people disrespect me now. They'll find out what happens when you mess with the Freeman.

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